I Apologize
by Felgia Starr
Summary: Robin apologizes to Starfire for everything he has done. Inspired by JAY-Z's 4:44


I remember being inside of a woman that wasn't you. I remember the feel of another woman's lips – I loved the way they tasted, like heaven and hell combined. I remember putting my mouth around her nipple. I remember thinking that what I did was okay, because I thought it was your fault that you trusted me so much. I've always been fucked up, I've been taught to trust no one but myself. Maybe that's why it took so long for us to be together, maybe I knew I will never treat you right.

Your heart was too big. I remember feeling overwhelmed by your love. Your hugs and kisses suffocated me, made me feel like I didn't have control over the situation. You were always around me, I felt like I lost my freedom. And I know now that I should've told you, talked everything out with you, instead of acting on my own. I sneaked out to be with other girls, I still don't know why I did it. Being with those girls gave me the control I craved whenever I was with you. They made me feel brave. Being with you, I was always scared because I'm afraid to fuck things up. Funny, it turned out that I had nothing to fear back then, because I've already hurt you.

I remember the green glow of your furious eyes after Raven told you, the light blinded me. I remember being angry at her for telling you but I now understand that she saved our breaking relationship. You asked me why while starbolts form in your hands. You shot me repeatedly, we destroyed the whole tower. You cursed me, called terrible Tamaranean names, and you cried. After screaming at my face for almost two hours, Cyborg hugged you from behind and you cried. The happiest girl I know cried. I remember the heavy weight of guilt in my chest when your knees shook and fell. I remember being close to crying myself when you stared blankly at the floor. I watched as the innocence that I loved most about you leave your eyes. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life. I thought I killed you.

Maybe I did kill you.

The day after that, you made your pudding of sadness. I remember the way you glared at it, as if the pudding wronged you. You stared at it for so long but you didn't eat it. You just left the full bowl in the sink, meant to be thrown out and washed, before you left. Raven made me eat it, practically shoved it in my mouth. I remember staring at the barf-esque food for a long time before I devoured it like a man starved for months. It tasted terrible but I knew it was but a small punishment.

I remember the villains we fought. You almost killed them all because you were so angry. You couldn't fly though, strangely. Raven said that you needed to be happy to fly. I couldn't believe I caused you unhappiness. Even with all the guilt, I didn't approach you. I was so stupid, I should've talked to you.

I remember your unusual impassive expression when you finally broke up with me. I felt a pain in my chest but I just gave a nod. You smiled at me half-heartedly before you walked away – before you left me to clean up our mess of a relationship.

You still refused to speak to me after that. But that was alright because you can smile and fly again. Maybe we weren't meant to be, maybe this is how it's supposed to be. I know I don't deserve you – you're supposed to be with a handsome gentleman that will treat you right – and I know I will never treat you right.

So I left you alone. We rarely meet each other's gaze, we never talk. We became strangers, strangers who live in the same tower. Because of that, I had more time to myself, our drift gave me time to think. During those months we were apart, I had nothing to do but think. It was kind of like being in a prison in a way, I was trapped with myself and myself only – so, to spend time, I thought of you. You are beautiful, you're innocent, you were happy – what was going on your mind when you decided you want me, I wonder? You're fucking perfect and... Me? I'm fucking nothing. You're a Princess from another planet and I'm a circus boy who's still grieving over his parents' death. The only father I knew is more fucked up than me. From him, I learned everything about fighting but I learned nothing about love. I never knew one could suck at love – I didn't know the difference between a basic bitch and someone like you. I didn't learn that girls should be treated like Queens. But if you need someone to tell you how to kill a person with toilet paper, I'm your guy. Maybe it's stupid to just blame all this on Bruce, after all it was me who wasted perfection, not him.

I often ask myself, 'why did I sleep with those girls?'. It's not like I got something other than pleasure from sleeping with them. Why did I need to be with them to get what I want? Why did it take so much suffering for me to realize that you are my everything? But it doesn't really matter, right? I know that now, I know I fucked up and I know that I will take you back.

You were happy; flying around the tower with your signature bright aura that always lift up my spirits. I'm brooding, spending most of my time punishing myself by training.

Then, I approached you with confidence. You looked at me, confused, and you asked me what did I want. I told you that I'm a selfish motherfucker and that I want no one but you. You gently landed on the ground before you answered me.

I've never been more shocked in my life when I heard your answer.


End file.
